Last night as I was going back & forth from my bed to the toilet I couldn’t help think of that powerful scene from “Grace & Frankie” when Grace shows the man she is seeing the real her. Without her makeup. Holding a cane. And being completely vulnerable. He takes her in his arms & says “I’ll take it”.
I know her journey was with aging but I still related with my own journey. “Yes, they see the put together me… but how will they react when I let them in. When my face is a sickly white as a sheet with dark circles under my eyes. Hearing the loud passing of gas sounds you would never expect to come out of a little body like mine. Seeing me cramp over in pain. Anxiety that feels suffocating as if I can’t catch my breath. Nausea where I lay next to the toilet or knock myself out with medication which can leave me sleeping for up to a day. And pain where even my light pajamas feel like heavy weights burning into my skin.”
I know if someone really loves me they won’t care… they will be more concerned than anything else. They will just want to take the pain away… but it’s still scary. I don’t look sick… & the times I looked close to as bad as I feel only a a select few have seen it. I don’t like people worrying about me. And I don’t post pictures of my bad days for those days are already locked in my consciousness, I don’t need them locked on my page as a constant reminder of my hardships. I like my page to be a mirror of the me I love being & my words I are an account of what is truly going on. With words I can decide when to read unlike a picture that can be an instant emotional hit or a reflection I don’t want to see myself as. I’m a visual person I fear if I share my sick moments in pictures I will begin to define myself by them – they will become my reflection instead of the powerful, fierce, loving, happy, excitable me I love sharing with you.
What I want more than anything in a relationship is for me not to be afraid to share anything & everything. My health is what it is. It’s chronic. It’s more manageable but I’m still in a fight for remission. I am learning to be more upfront about it. This is the real me.