HEALTH JOURNEY LIFE WITH ME

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU’RE FINALLY IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF

That moment when you’re finally in love with yourself 💚 When I look at these bathing suit shots of myself I feel so happy. It’s strange looking at this photo & knowing I’ve GAINED 20 pounds. When knowing this it really places a g-damn I must have been so scary skinny when I was at my sickest, no wonder my family & friends were so scared. I feel like when I was in survival mode there was less of a comprehension of how my body was looking. I remember being in a lot of pain, nauseous, & sleeping a lot. I remember getting on the scale several times a week at the doctors offices but not completely comprehending my extreme weight loss. I knew I didn’t like my mama taking pictures of me. I knew I was wearing my middle school clothes because all my other clothes would either be way too baggy or just fall of me. I avoided looking at myself in a mirror. I think seeing myself in pictures or in a reflection made everything more real so I decided I just wouldn’t look at myself. Gaining back the weight as I said in previous posts was challenging because my body had to be retained to eat … but it was also challenging mentally. I admit I began having self image problems with my body beginning after puberty. I was a dancer. Getting curves was … well let’s just say I hated getting boobs, hips, & a butt. My mama had suffered with anorexia, as did her mom. There were times I became consumed with watching my calories, exercising to burn off everything I ate. And then there is constant advertising to lose weight. Then having a background in dance & at the time wanting to be a working actress didn’t help. I knew I needed to gain the lost weight back to be healthy but it was still a fucker with my head. I was retraining my mind as much as my body. I don’t recall a single photo of me in a bathing suit since I went through puberty that just made me smile. Before getting sick I hated my “curves”, while being sick I hated how bone thin I was. My mama will tell me how she regrets not seeing how beautiful she was when young & the time wasted not loving herself. I never understood what she meant until now. I’m thankful at 29 years old I’ve finally learned to love my body 💚

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