Making it through the tears, through the grief, through the pain, that makes one so damn strong. Yesterday was the 17th anniversary of my older sister’s passing. This morning was the anniversary of the day I found out she was gone. With my kitty passing away on Monday I didn’t have the strength to talk about her too … it’s just too raw & painful. My sister, “Sisy”, was 17 years old when she passed. I was 12 years old. She died in car accident. My life was never the same after that. I lost a huge part of my life that night. I don’t think you ever get over or move past losing someone you love. You adjust. You continue on. But the grief is always there. It’s even there when you think of the happy times. Grief is very much like that initial shock & overwhelming pain as if you’re hit in the head with a brick. Then you carry that brick with you wherever you go. And over time you get used to the bricks weight in your pocket. And there are days the brick falls out of your pocket & lands on your foot & there is the hard rush of pain again. As I get older this brick feels heavier. It’s hard to understand fully what is going on when you’re a child. I didn’t know how to process it. I suffered from severe anxiety / panic attacks for a long time before bed each night, so afraid I was going to wake up to more bad news. I started self medicating as a kid before bed with nausea medication & my own prescribed prescription of levsin. Knock myself out so I could just sleep without the panic attack, without the hysterical fits, hyperventilating in my parents arms & feeling the need to vomit. I don’t know how long I self medicated for … my parents didn’t know & I eventually stopped. Due to the anxiety I also started pulling my hair out of my scalp. I remember the pain from pulling out one individual hair at a time gave me relief, made me feel better. My mom kept telling me to stop .. which I finally did after she showed me pictures of people with Trichotillomania who had bald patchwork. Art & yoga became my outlet for helping me through later on in my life. Finding the right outlet is so important. Helps you make it through the rough patches when you don’t think you can 💚

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