A week ago I was speaking to a close friend about my health journey. I came upon the sensitive topic of triggers that bring up the past traumas. The PTSD. They asked me what my triggers were & I really couldn’t think of any. I would used to be triggered by the sanitary paper you have to sit on when at the doctors office. I would be triggered when my feet were placed in the stirrups & I had to open myself up, knowing I was opening myself up to pain. The IVs used to trigger me. Now these medical procedures no longer trigger me. I see how they have helped me get through everything I’ve gone through. Needles no longer frighten me. My blood drawn no longer makes me sick. Even my hydrodistention surgeries I get every eight months I no longer upset me. The thought of bladder installations are still a trigger. Makes me shake thinking of them. I have more trauma with those then I do my kidney stones, that includes the stuck ones as well. No, most of my triggers have subsided. That is until one I forgot came up recently. I have been sick with the flu, which for a person who suffers from autoimmune diseases & chronic pain, the flu is terrifying. Last year I was sick for over a month because my body couldn’t fight it off. I eventually had to fly to Oklahoma to be cared for by my parents. Yesterday evening my fever rose to 103.5°. I felt like my head was going to burst open. I couldn’t sit up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I felt the trauma of of my health battles resurface. Flashbacks struck. I managed to grab the tylenol on my bedside table, forced myself to drink water, & focused on my breath to calm my shaking. Not from the fever but from all the past trauma surfacing. The fever lessened some where I was able to stand & grab ice packs from the freezer which I covered my body with. I then called the two people who have been by my side through everything. My parents. I knew if I was going to break they would pick up the pieces. I was safe. I shared my fears which they comforted. They shared their fears which in turn I found my own strength in by reassuring them I would be ok. My body temperature slowly went down. Relief. Awareness. Embracing my body.