Yesterday I admittedly had a bit of a breakdown. I reached the point where I was completely physically, mentally, & emotionally exhausted. And I just broke after a small confrontation. My momma & I don’t often fight but usually when we do we either had a misunderstanding due to lack of communicating or we are both at our wits ends with our health. Yesterday we were at our wits end. Usually we take out that energy on my poor dad lol but yesterday our energies went at each other. We are all good now 💚 the argument may have lasted an hour but as you all know my momma & I ate very close so when we butt heads it’s hard on both of us. It doesn’t happen frequently so it’s always shocking when it does happen. We both had a lot of held onto energy from dealing with our health problems, life problems, & personal problems that just came to the surface. Which like I said we usually lash out that energy on my dad… which I honestly think he prefers over my momma & I fighting since he turns into the middle man & HATES seeing his girls upset. I think often we take out our anger on the people we love because we know they are going to be there for us no matter what. We are safe. As long as that anger is not abusive then I believe it’s okay to express. My parents always taught me to be open with my emotions. I really wasn’t good at though. As a kid I would shut down – silent mode – then throwing something into a wall followed by a lot of tears. I struggled with words. I still struggle with speaking words at times. It’s easier for me to write than to talk when it comes to my feelings. When I was little I would make apology letters to express myself. Or draw pictures of how I was feeling. Words, they just never seemed to flow easily out of my mouth – written words could that’s why I was pretty damn good at acting. I’ve been learning to have a voice. Work in progress. I think the problem is when you have reached your breaking point with your chronic illness there are no words to truly describe the pain & frustration. My mom & I broke at the same time but in the end we helped pick up each other’s pieces & glue us back together – stronger then before.
Death Valley National Park, CA